My Depression - A Rock and a Hard Place

"I've never viewed my depression as an emotion. And not as something that has an end or a beginning. It just is. It has a shape and a weight. Not jagged or smooth. Not always big and not always small. Somewhere in between. Something hard and solid, like a rock. Sometimes it is as light as a pebble, able to be flicked off at the slightest notice. Sometimes it's ground into flecks of sand, barely noticeable and brushed away as quickly as it settles in. Other times it's a boulder with a crushing weight. One that feels immovable. Something you cannot get your arms around to move out of the way. And, at times, it is a mountain. An impossible obstacle in your path that you lack the energy to trek around, to climb over, or to tunnel beneath. And at the worst times, it may even beckon you to jump from it's summit."





Hall, Megan Kelley. "My Depression - A Rock and a Hard Place". Life Inside My Mind, edited by Jessica Burkhart, Simon Pulse, 2018, p. 177-178

I'm Sorry

It hit so hard.
I pushed it away and tried to ignore it.
Completely paranoid.
I tried to ignore what I was doing to you, to us.
My biggest fear is losing you.
You can scream at me, disown me, cry to me.
I just couldn't watch them take you away.
But what have I done?

I made this worse.
I just want to make you proud.
I want to show you that you raised a strong woman.
But how can I be strong when I can't stand up to you?
I wish I could go back and change something, anything.
Anything to make this better.
I want to take care of you.
I have nothing left, I gave it all to you.

I'm sorry that I let you down.
Hurt me as much as you need.
I'll be okay.
Because I can't lose you.
I'm just embarrassed for you. 

Lost

I'm lost.
I don't feel at home anymore.
No matter where I go,
Who I'm with,
Where I'm at,
I always want to leave.
I don't feel welcome.

I can't go where I use to call home.
I simply refuse,
Even if it hurts.
They ask me why,
Why not just go back?
And without delving too deep,
I say, "Because of what's happening."
The situations that won't resolve.

I'm not trapped anymore,
Like I use to be.
Just lost.

She's Home

She's defiant.
That is the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my mother.
Simply defiant.
Stubborn.
A really private, closed off person.
A big heart, for certain things.
She was raised hard, and so were we.

Her decisions are not always right,
and neither are her intentions.
But we're all human,
nobody is perfect.
I love her regardless of what she decides.
Because she is the glue that holds the brittle family I have left.
Without her, I don't know what I'd do.

A lot of people (majority being relatives) do not agree with her lifestyle.
They frown upon her,
whisper behind her back...

But she doesn't care.
Finger to the world, she doesn't care.
And she'll say it to your face, too.
She simply does not care.
And that's okay.
I have been and probably will be constantly told that, "No, this is not okay. What she is doing is not okay!"

Deep down I know this.
But how can I reject my own mother?
I love her.
For who she is.
Some days it feels like the whole world is against her.
I will fight for her.
No matter what.
Because, obviously, no one else will.

Growing Up

     I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like if I gave them those letters, they would just brush it off without a second glance. As if they mean nothing. As if the memories we shared were just another day. But I'm holding onto these memories as their presence slips between my fingers, out of control, like grains of sand. I don't want them to fade.
     I know I'm a kid. I know they're older and they have important things going on, but I want to hold onto our friendship. Or were they just my co-workers? Am I wasting their time by talking to them?
     I want to reach out and say, "Hello, I miss you, how have you been, I hope that. . . " but I know it'll prove futile. A weak attempt. My messages will fall ignored, or they simply won't respond.
     I'm afraid to see them again. Of course I want to, I care about them unconditionally, but I know that there's a large chance I'll break. I shouldn't cry over people that don't care about me. I give my 100% while I receive 50%. I shouldn't let this bother me. But I love them. I cherish these memories. Because it's now all I have.

untitled 2

i don't understand
this crack between us
that keeps growing
wider and wider each day,
and i don't know what made me
change my mind.

but i do know this:
i made a promise
and i know that
this was never supposed
to happen
to us.


(in the manner of @evanescent.love's poem)