until when?

I am scrambling to hold onto what used to make me happy. But it is no longer enough to keep me alive. 

I want to die. 

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I remember wanting to disappear. I remember feeling hopeless. Every nerve in my body was numb and full of lead. Fatigue has seeped into my bones. Someone was squeezing my heart, and everything good inside of me had been twisted around. I was choking. 

I still am. 

Quite a Pair

Shock and sadness go hand-in-hand. They carry me throughout the day. They keep me company at night. It has been years, and I am still in shock. I feel the sadness deep in my bones. I am surely dying from the pain. 

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"I was raised with an angry man in my house. There will always be an angry man in my house. 

I will find him even when he is not there."

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 I want to drown in the spice of wild sunflowers. I need to feel the heat of the blazing sun and the cold, damp dirt. To listen to the grasshoppers wings pop and crack as they fly, flashing the colors of summer; blue, red, orange, yellow. I want to taste the first rain, soaking the Earth and I to the core. 

I want to feel alive, I want to feel alive, Lord, let me be alive. 

I need to scream in to the thunder of a spring storm, rumbling deep in my chest where my heart aches. I want to watch the nimbus clouds grow and rise in the horizon, engulfed in an array of colors. I need to feel the cool rush of morning mist against my skin. The crisp air burning my lungs and throat in such a beautiful way.  

Only then will I know that I am alive.