until when?

I am scrambling to hold onto what used to make me happy. But it is no longer enough to keep me alive. 

I want to die. 

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I remember wanting to disappear. I remember feeling hopeless. Every nerve in my body was numb and full of lead. Fatigue has seeped into my bones. Someone was squeezing my heart, and everything good inside of me had been twisted around. I was choking. 

I still am.