the beautiful shame that binds me

Why does it feel like such a horrendous thing? To love.

Why? It is a glorious feeling, to entwine your soul with others'. The souls that make life worth living. Why do we curl in embarrassment at the mere thought of bonding? I do not understand. 

Vulnerability is scoffed at. Open hearts are sewn shut with rusty needles, poisoning the bloodstream with bitter shame. It soils the stomach and curdles in the throat. 

I do not understand. 

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I cannot help myself from wondering if you are another lesson. Another person to teach me something. 
Someone I don't get to keep.
It's not doubt, I am not second-guessing what we have. I'm just scared to lose it. So much loss in this life. Enough for the next one to come.
So, I look at the moon. And I make a wish. That it is you and I in this life.
And the next. 

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Do I still want to die? 

Now that the days grow longer with warmth, I may not be so sure. But that cold feeling of relief. I had felt my shoulders sag from the belief. The belief of, yes, it is what I want, in this moment in time. 

To disappear. 

But, to never love again, that would be tragic. 

until when?

I am scrambling to hold onto what used to make me happy. But it is no longer enough to keep me alive. 

I want to die. 

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I remember wanting to disappear. I remember feeling hopeless. Every nerve in my body was numb and full of lead. Fatigue has seeped into my bones. Someone was squeezing my heart, and everything good inside of me had been twisted around. I was choking. 

I still am. 

Quite a Pair

Shock and sadness go hand-in-hand. They carry me throughout the day. They keep me company at night. It has been years, and I am still in shock. I feel the sadness deep in my bones. I am surely dying from the pain. 

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"I was raised with an angry man in my house. There will always be an angry man in my house. 

I will find him even when he is not there."