There’s a before and an after of myself

There are expectations of people at every stage of their life. For a young person, their expectation often has to do with the fixation on the future. Hunger, vigor and energy, always forward looking. An optimism of possibilities that exist somewhere out there in the world. But, when you lose a parent at a young age, you are required to build your compass as you walk. 

There is no journey that feels more daunting than the rest of your life. 

There is a void that is left behind.

How do I navigate this world without my parents. 

I am a forest fire and I am the fire and I am the forest and I am the witness watching it

It's the same song and dance I have seen before. I am standing back watching my world burn. But I hold the gas can, asking God if He started this fire

Ash and dust, everything I care about and love, burning up. I'm praying to God, is this what You wanted? I'm desperate. Make all my hopes and dreams come to life just to lay them to rest. 

"I could have built the pyramids with the effort it takes me to cling on to life"

Death felt like a very sweet, kind option.

There was nothing for years that had given me any sense of peace. People think that wanting to end your own life is a cowardly exit, right? Or that it's that you can't handle life. But, when people actually get to that point, it's because death feels like a warm embrace. It's your only option. Hopelessness doesn't even describe it. This is just, well. This is my only option now. 

untitled 18

"Some people's lives seem to flow in a narrative; mine had many stops and starts. That's what trauma does. It interrupts the plot . . . it just happens, and then life goes on. No one prepares you for it. 

"I leave claw marks in everything I touch. But I would sooner gnaw off my own leg than admit that I just want someone to stay for once.

"I don't want my life to be a perpetual loop of trying to recover from something after something and someone after someone. 

I don't want recovery to be all that I am.

"All my grief says the same thing; this isn't how it's supposed to be. And the world laughs, holds my hope by my throat, says: but this is how it is."

existing with melancholy

I am sad, all the time. 

Even when I am happy. 

There is a pit in my chest. 

Everything I do is enrobed in grief. 

My mom is gone. 

And that is in everything I do. 

My dad is gone. 

And that is in everything I do. 

I have lost these parts of me that I will never get back. 

A vital, intricate part of me. 

Is gone. 

I am seeing the world through the distorted lenses of grief. 

losing where i came from

This feeling

It yawns and swallows me whole.

No matter how much I claw at the the warmth, it will slip through my fingers like sand. 

Hopeless.

I look around. Where do I go? I can't, I just

It's gone. It's all gone. 

I am alone. 

Truly, utterly alone. 

I want to go home. But home is gone. She's gone. 

God, I just want to be home. 

will I ever change

Take me home. 

Oh God, I need you more than ever.

Save me from my sickness. 

I'm hoping you will take me away, I'm on my knees before you. 

Do you love me in the midst of my condition?

Take me from myself.