She's Home

She's defiant.
That is the first thing that comes to mind when I think about my mother.
Simply defiant.
Stubborn.
A really private, closed off person.
A big heart, for certain things.
She was raised hard, and so were we.

Her decisions are not always right,
and neither are her intentions.
But we're all human,
nobody is perfect.
I love her regardless of what she decides.
Because she is the glue that holds the brittle family I have left.
Without her, I don't know what I'd do.

A lot of people (majority being relatives) do not agree with her lifestyle.
They frown upon her,
whisper behind her back...

But she doesn't care.
Finger to the world, she doesn't care.
And she'll say it to your face, too.
She simply does not care.
And that's okay.
I have been and probably will be constantly told that, "No, this is not okay. What she is doing is not okay!"

Deep down I know this.
But how can I reject my own mother?
I love her.
For who she is.
Some days it feels like the whole world is against her.
I will fight for her.
No matter what.
Because, obviously, no one else will.

Growing Up

     I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like if I gave them those letters, they would just brush it off without a second glance. As if they mean nothing. As if the memories we shared were just another day. But I'm holding onto these memories as their presence slips between my fingers, out of control, like grains of sand. I don't want them to fade.
     I know I'm a kid. I know they're older and they have important things going on, but I want to hold onto our friendship. Or were they just my co-workers? Am I wasting their time by talking to them?
     I want to reach out and say, "Hello, I miss you, how have you been, I hope that. . . " but I know it'll prove futile. A weak attempt. My messages will fall ignored, or they simply won't respond.
     I'm afraid to see them again. Of course I want to, I care about them unconditionally, but I know that there's a large chance I'll break. I shouldn't cry over people that don't care about me. I give my 100% while I receive 50%. I shouldn't let this bother me. But I love them. I cherish these memories. Because it's now all I have.

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i don't understand
this crack between us
that keeps growing
wider and wider each day,
and i don't know what made me
change my mind.

but i do know this:
i made a promise
and i know that
this was never supposed
to happen
to us.


(in the manner of @evanescent.love's poem)

Yeah. You.

You're on my mind a lot.
     You shouldn't be, but you are. I could put my foot down and end this, but do I want to? I'd hate to stop seeing that smile of yours.
     I honestly don't know if you even care about me, though. Do you? Or are you just stroking your ego by saying those things? Those things that make my heart rush and stomach twist. The things that I want to hear from my s/o, but I don't. He's never said those things before. He's not good at words like you are.
     You shouldn't be on my mind. You're bad for me. Really bad. I kinda wish I pushed you away when I had the chance, to tell you to stop, so my perspective of you wouldn't change. I would've been completely fine by us being simple friends. But now everything has changed. And I'm scared.
     I don't want to lose you. I see you as a good friend. A friend that I want to keep seeing because your presence gives me joy. You're a great person to be around and I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could just do the things that I want to do without being tied down. I feel like I'm being held back. This isn't fair to either of us, nor him; the one I should be thinking about. Not you. Him.
     But it's you. It's always you, now.

A Balancing Act

Don't be loud. Don't be too quiet.
She eats too much. Does she ever eat?
Wear a dress. But not too short.
Be Smart. Speak up. But wait your turn.
Be free. But not too available.
Be sexy. But not too sexy.
Don't be shy though. No one likes a prude.
She's a slut. She's still a virgin.
Make yourself look pretty. Don't wear too much makeup.
Do we even know how she really looks?
Be yourself.
But not really.



[credit: Julia Kocea, IG: @juliakocevas]

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I will miss you.
I've told you a couple of times.
I knew it would end.
Doesn't it always?
I will miss you.

I'd like to tell you how grateful I am,
how much our short-lived friendship has meant to me,
but I'll settle for keeping quiet.
And in silence I'll watch the days fade away,
because I will miss you.

I won't forget how you made me feel,
how my heart swelled with pride when you chose me over them.
How my throat constricted and eyes burned when you praised me.
Multiple times, you've praised me.
I will miss that.

Two short months spent well with you.
I wish there would be more.
It was a good run.
I won't see you much longer, after this.
And that's okay.
Because you're you, and I'm me, and we both know that things draw to an end.
Just don't forget about me.
For I won't forget about you.
I will miss you, Raph.

Monetize

Take your passion and hold on to it. Don't let your occupations in life overwhelm you. Don't let it fade. Your passion is just as important as your work-life. Just because it doesn't make you money [at this second] doesn't mean it's not important. Mold your passion in to your daily routine. Hold on to it.
Writing is my passion. Photography is my passion. I am a wannabe author and wannabe photographer. Summer was suppose to embrace both of them equally, but work came through, and they were both canceled out dramatically. I barely have time to write; but that is an excuse. I have plenty of time to write. It is my passion, and work/school, will not overthrow it. I won't let it happen.

"Take your passion and put it into something that you can sell. You have to synthesize what you love. Put it into a bucket that is business." // Gary Vaynerchuck