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 It is a lonely feeling when you are aching for the connection. When you feel it buzzing in your heart and you cannot release it. It pulses with each passing day. But all you can do is wait. 

Sit back and admire them in silence. Let your heart swell with longing. 

Daydreaming. Pondering. 

I see your soul. It is so, so bright. I want to touch it like it touches mine. You are genuine, pure. A rare person. Your smile pours life in me. 

But my love is not given freely. So I will wait. I will be patient for you. I will not make the same mistake. You have earned my trust, but my love is limited. 

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You were something else. Something I had never seen before. Your soul was bright. Almost as bright as your smile and your eyes. I drank in your words like fresh water. They were so full of wisdom and happiness. I wish you would have spoken more. Your outlook on life was so foreign. You changed my perspective on so many things by taking my mind to better turns. I yearned for our conversations, our banters and your laughter. Our moments together were indescribable. Unreplaceable. 

But now all is empty. You left me raw. Open. And afraid. You have made my walls thicker. The top is unreachable. I cannot love like that again. Trust is scoffed at. When you reach out, I feel as if I need to break my own hand. Before touching yours.  

Oppressor

Do you know it hurts?
     I want to forgive you and love you again. I want to forget all the ways I was disrespected, the ways I was stretched. But forgiveness won't change a person. I know this, but there were days I couldn't help myself. I've torn my heart in order to give pieces to you when you needed them. I can see the good in you. I want to believe in you, but as I touch that wound, I reopen the memories. It's far from mending. There's no comfort in going back to you.
     I need to heal on my own. I won't heal with my oppressor.

Growing Up

     I feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel like if I gave them those letters, they would just brush it off without a second glance. As if they mean nothing. As if the memories we shared were just another day. But I'm holding onto these memories as their presence slips between my fingers, out of control, like grains of sand. I don't want them to fade.
     I know I'm a kid. I know they're older and they have important things going on, but I want to hold onto our friendship. Or were they just my co-workers? Am I wasting their time by talking to them?
     I want to reach out and say, "Hello, I miss you, how have you been, I hope that. . . " but I know it'll prove futile. A weak attempt. My messages will fall ignored, or they simply won't respond.
     I'm afraid to see them again. Of course I want to, I care about them unconditionally, but I know that there's a large chance I'll break. I shouldn't cry over people that don't care about me. I give my 100% while I receive 50%. I shouldn't let this bother me. But I love them. I cherish these memories. Because it's now all I have.